tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post859652538988631764..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: #28 LARCHJ.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-59806028833860815072010-05-06T16:21:47.452-04:002010-05-06T16:21:47.452-04:00I thought the clone part to be the most intriguing...I thought the clone part to be the most intriguing part of your query and I think if you had that towards the front, it would be more effective. I too did get confused with who all was related to who.<br /><br />Your opening 250 words are well written and the love between Kate and Rodriguez is endearing. I am curious about who they are in relation to Larch.EJ Fechendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05300369395930503020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-48109942041883252562010-05-05T18:40:43.640-04:002010-05-05T18:40:43.640-04:00I agree with Mary - your "buried the lead,&qu...I agree with Mary - your "buried the lead," as journalists say, by not mentioning the most distinctive element of your story - that the heroine is a clone - until several paragraphs down.<br /><br />I didn't understand what the connection was between her house catching fire and her being a clone. Also, if I understand correctly (which I'm not sure that I do - I got a little confused), a man the heroine believes to be her uncle wants to have sex with her? If so... major ick factor!<br /><br />In the 250 words, I feel the story starts at the wrong place. You have too much info dump, or to put it more diplomatically, world building. You need this information, but not on the first page.Gail Harthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00248412842872176518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-37219687142556910692010-05-05T12:55:51.826-04:002010-05-05T12:55:51.826-04:00If I were an agent…
I think I’ve read this query ...If I were an agent…<br /><br />I think I’ve read this query before on AW. I can’t remember exactly what the original was like, but I sense that this is an improved version. The story is clearly delineated in the query, and I’m interested enough to read on.<br /><br />The sample:<br /><br />I’m not in love with the sample. “like molten lava” is a little cliché. I’m not feeling enough of an attachment to this character yet, but it’s only 250 words. I’d probably request a partial from this one.Libbie H.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16366896974551157202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-49378066268729843762010-05-05T07:31:34.674-04:002010-05-05T07:31:34.674-04:00I really like the premise of this, and I'd rea...I really like the premise of this, and I'd read. <br /><br />A couple suggestions though--<br /><br />Is Stone a grown man or a teenager like her? I couldn't tell from this.<br /><br />How does she find out she was cloned? <br /><br />But the stakes are great. Good job.<br /><br />The 250 was generally good, but a lot of people are introduced in such a short time, so maybe slow it down just a little.Hhookhttp://hollyannehook.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-67115936209460252582010-05-04T18:51:10.609-04:002010-05-04T18:51:10.609-04:00I agree with Annarkie--the clone thing threw me. I...I agree with Annarkie--the clone thing threw me. I'd suggest working that important bit of info into your first paragraph. I was a little confused as to where she is--no easy access to internet, government controlled, etc. How did she meet her friend? And what wasn't as hard as hacking the internet?<br /><br />Intriguing set-up! 250 words is such a tease. :)Marynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-10343739697325193602010-05-04T13:39:48.746-04:002010-05-04T13:39:48.746-04:00Though I like the premise, I had trouble following...Though I like the premise, I had trouble following the query. Is she the niece of the dictator, or a clone?Brooklyn Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11285434689426722832noreply@blogger.com