tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post842755900702780193..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: #7 PERFECTION (REVISED)J.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-60257338942075523592010-05-10T11:10:47.867-04:002010-05-10T11:10:47.867-04:00I don't have much to ad to this. I do think t...I don't have much to ad to this. I do think that you're pushing the envelope with it being 100,000 words, but your query is intriguing enough you'll probably be able to squeak by. I probably would request a partial off this query, but your first 250 is what really did it for me! I would request a full on that alone! Although I do agree with Liz that it would be much more interesting if you only call her subject 62.<br /><br />Good Luck!J.A. Soudershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-74293798860236227732010-05-06T17:53:29.958-04:002010-05-06T17:53:29.958-04:00I like the first paragraph of the query...the seco...I like the first paragraph of the query...the second could use a little fleshing out "dark-haired man" just seems too generic to me. Based on your third paragraph, he's calling or sending her somewhere...you could flesh that out in the second paragraph just a little. "Unable" might work better than "not able" too - the sentence is kind of stilted as it is now. <br /><br />Your sample is intriguing - I'd be interested in reading more...Jamie D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/05486427517423813962noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-64734908818168076842010-05-06T09:35:13.652-04:002010-05-06T09:35:13.652-04:00exact same thoughts as the others - I wasn't e...exact same thoughts as the others - I wasn't exactly sure what I was getting with the query. The "voice" you have in your 250 isn't yet in your query.<br />the first 250 though was very gripping. I like her reactions to the new emotions a lot. well done.Jessie Harrellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11581727105030086814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-86400204473059244112010-05-06T09:11:38.740-04:002010-05-06T09:11:38.740-04:00Query:
I agree with some of the others that it...Query:<br /><br />I agree with some of the others that it's too vague. I get the basic premise of the story, but I don't know what the actual conflict is going to be about. Also, I can't help wondering why she's so "crumbled" by someone speaking to her in her mind--she's telepathic, why is telepathy shocking to her? I'm sure you've got a great explanation, but it's missing from the query and leaves me hanging.<br /><br />First 250:<br />I love that she's Subject 62. Reminds me of Dark Angel (actually this story is reminiscent of the plot of that series). I'd almost like to see that aspect of her played up more. Leave her name out of it in the first paragraph. Something like:<br /><br />Subject 62 ran through a dark alley. <br /><br />A very actiony beginning though, great place to start a novel. <br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br />- LizLiz Czukashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15656897969180818333noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-18726623797624655022010-05-05T19:50:00.878-04:002010-05-05T19:50:00.878-04:00I wondered what the stakes were in the query, she&...I wondered what the stakes were in the query, she's in emotional turmoil and running where? It was very tight, perhaps too much so.<br /><br />The beginning is actiony - I would read on.J.S. Woodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09231458559331295121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-29980069651048881672010-05-05T14:25:42.596-04:002010-05-05T14:25:42.596-04:00I loved everything about this. The query was just...I loved everything about this. The query was just enough to make me want more. Great place to start a story!<br /><br /> <br /><br />Good job!Willow Crosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03343111758225818734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-42772832164406652132010-05-05T00:57:20.163-04:002010-05-05T00:57:20.163-04:00If I were an agent…
The query:
The query is prett...If I were an agent…<br /><br />The query:<br />The query is pretty but vague. I think we need just a little bit more information about the world she runs to – why it’s dangerous for her to be there. I need a feeling of what’s at stake.<br /><br />The sample:<br />The writing is a bit unpolished for me – there are parts that could be cut or expressed in a cleaner way. But overall, I like it. I’m interested. I’d request more pages.<br /><br />I vote for it to go onto the next round.Libbie H.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16366896974551157202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-48514836706976473402010-05-04T17:27:01.902-04:002010-05-04T17:27:01.902-04:00I like the intrigue, and though I haven't read...I like the intrigue, and though I haven't read any dystopian novel yet, I like the genre.<br /><br />Okay, I agree with Melissa. I think your query is almost to sparse. And some cliche phrases like picture of perfection.<br />How about - Ellyssa isn't normal and she knows it. Genetically engineered to be faster, stronger, smarter, and emotionless - lethal. She's a telepathic soldier of tomorrow. (This is dystopian - doesn't that equal "tomorrow")<br />I think that you may need to intro the dark haired man a little more - as the reader/agent we need to know who the dark haired man is - is he a love interest? the sage type character that will help Ellyssa on her journey? his he really the villian? <br />When Ellyssa crosses paths (How does this happen - by the first 250 words she meets him in the group home, right) with a dark-haired man named __________, she is shocked to find that he can speak to her with his mind. Determined to learn more about the mysterious man, Ellyssa runs away to a place (we need to probably know the name of that place) completely foreign to her, experiences raw emotions, and ....(this needs to be part of the black moment and include Ellyssa's stakes) <br /><br />I think that you do a good job of describing her running and hiding, and you have just a hint of the different world - sirens. But I almost feel like I was dropped into the action and have nothing to base it on. I wanted to know what happened at the center with the dark-haired man. He seems important, and IMHO, I feel like that's your inciting moment - the moment when the character's life alters and she spends the story trying to come to grips with that change.<br />I do like the premise.And best of luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-6964402089152936382010-05-04T12:00:17.919-04:002010-05-04T12:00:17.919-04:00I love your first 250 words. I wish your query wo...I love your first 250 words. I wish your query would have givven a little more insight into the plot.<br /><br />Melissa MurphyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com