tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post8160626072168363191..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: #5 SUBLIMEJ.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-85210892233030554952010-05-10T16:42:47.821-04:002010-05-10T16:42:47.821-04:00I think that your sample is much stronger then you...I think that your sample is much stronger then your query. I got a bit confused with your query and had to read to a couple of time to figure out the story. The hook is very good however, and that's what made me keep reading it over so I could understand the story.<br /><br />The confusion was mainly around the talk about "the chosen", "the naturals", and the "dying species". Maybe you should try to explain these a bit more.<br /><br />The sample was pretty good. I would just cut out the part where you give "dying women" its own line. I think the other times you made little separate comments like that were more effective and you don't want to do it too much.Jenn Wiliamsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-26914001160213210962010-05-10T10:57:39.795-04:002010-05-10T10:57:39.795-04:00This is definitely an interesting plot line and if...This is definitely an interesting plot line and if I were an agent I would probably request a full off that alone. <br /><br />Like Libby, I love your voice. However, I have a few concerns with your query. First, can she not speak? What does finding her voice mean? Your query is a bit confusing, although I got the gist of it. I would strongly suggest rewriting this and then running it by a few critique partners or beta readers, just to clear that up. Also, there are quite a few grammatical errors, missing commas, etc. It would make me question that the manuscript would require a lot of copy edit work. That being said, in your actual sample I didn't see any issues, so I would read on. Just be careful because the query may be all you get to wow that agent, and they may not request anything with all the grammatical and punctuation errors in it.<br /><br />~JAJ.A. Soudershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-78204600952530647032010-05-05T00:47:50.830-04:002010-05-05T00:47:50.830-04:00If I were an agent…
The query:
I’m having a hard...If I were an agent…<br /><br />The query:<br /><br />I’m having a hard time grasping exactly what Tess and James face. But I find the sexual overtones intriguing in a totally non-creepy way. And this sounds like sci-fi, which I love. I’m mildly confused, but interested enough to read the sample.<br /><br />The sample:<br />Yes, yes, mother of god YES. I’d request a full. There are a few careless mistakes (punctuation, “old fashioned”) but I am bonkers for the voice and the narrative style. Good luck with this one, author. It sounds great.<br /><br />J.A., this one gets my vote to go onto the next round.Libbie H.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16366896974551157202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-739813980084470342010-05-04T16:42:04.706-04:002010-05-04T16:42:04.706-04:00I enjoyed this query and the sample pages. I would...I enjoyed this query and the sample pages. I would pick this book up and read it.<br /><br />I like this query a lot, but I think it could be more specific. I don't know what this means: "As Tess discovers the secrets of abuse at Templeton, she begins to realize her desperate need to find her voice." And what is she doing at Templeton? What are these "horrors and dangers?" What is she going to do about them?<br /><br />Give a few more details so we understand the conflict better and I think it will be perfect. Good job!Elizabeth Briggshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14572251749088056704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-75170993147494909132010-05-04T15:26:04.382-04:002010-05-04T15:26:04.382-04:00I was more pulled in by your sample than your quer...I was more pulled in by your sample than your query. I think it's missing voice.<br /><br />In your sample, watch for things like this: "in the compound, a place we were forced to live after the incident." This is telling - something your character wouldn't really think. Just leave it at compound and let us find out what the compound is as we experience it.<br /><br />Good luck!Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-4109397730931908172010-05-04T15:02:06.111-04:002010-05-04T15:02:06.111-04:00I was immediately pulled in by your query, but a f...I was immediately pulled in by your query, but a few small things made me falter. Can Tess talk, physically? Or is her finding her voice metaphorical? If it is literal, how/ why can't she talk?<br /><br />Is Tess a chosen one, or a natural?<br /><br />Your first 250 really pulled me in. I had a lot of questions here as well, but they were all the good kind. Add a tiny bit more detail to your query and I think it's good.L. T. Hosthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12448176940211118898noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-66395653840809403902010-05-04T12:25:51.537-04:002010-05-04T12:25:51.537-04:00This has promise, but parts of the query had me co...This has promise, but parts of the query had me confused. It sounds like you're trying to share too much with us and I got lost when you mentioned her LI being a chosen one.<br /><br />The snip I liked. It looks like she has a split personality. The only suggestion I have it to watch your tenses. I saw a few areas where you used past tense when I think this is supposed to be in present tense.Nicole Thomashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13053277218609668127noreply@blogger.com