tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post6887867461253025772..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: #19 JIM AND JACKJ.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-31538591134779430262010-05-10T19:02:52.478-04:002010-05-10T19:02:52.478-04:00The query has an interesting story. Perhaps in the...The query has an interesting story. Perhaps in the second paragraph you could start with describing Brian and his life before getting back to his Grandpa so it wouldn't seem like it jumps around so much. It would be nice to have more of a hook through the summary though. More specific details.<br /><br />I'm surprised that the story starts off with Jack and not Brian or even Grandpa Jim. Again, I think there needs to be more action or more of a hook to get an agent to want to continue but since this is just the first page, I assume the action starts later.<br /><br />But good luck!Jenn Wiliamsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-82758458068125212702010-05-05T12:03:52.400-04:002010-05-05T12:03:52.400-04:00If I were an agent…
The query:
I’m not getting en...If I were an agent…<br /><br />The query:<br />I’m not getting enough sense of a real conflict here to be fully interested in the book. It sounds like Brian just finds stuff, gains a little interest in genealogy, and then solves a mystery. What does Brian face? What is his personal struggle? What makes him an engaging character? Why should I care about whether he solves the mystery of his grandpa’s past? Maybe you’re giving away too much information about his grandpa in the first paragraph. Maybe you ought to hold a little back in order to pique the reader’s interest.<br /><br />The sample:<br />The sample isn’t engaging me, and combined with the query which doesn’t tell me why I should be excited about Brian, that would mean a pass from me if I were an agent. The writing is fine, but between query and opening words I’ve found no reason to get involved with these characters. I’m thinking if the query is reworked to have a greater sense of who Brian is and to show some urgency in his cause, this would go from a rejection to a partial request from me.Libbie H.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16366896974551157202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-35331022902213945142010-05-05T10:03:20.771-04:002010-05-05T10:03:20.771-04:00The query definitely has a voice to it, but I foun...The query definitely has a voice to it, but I found the description of the storyline fragmented. While I can see some cause and effect, some of it just comes out of left field (him searching for a cave... how did he find out about it?)<br /><br />While I'm not too keen on waking up at the beginning of the story, it's better executed than most times I've seen (none of the usual who? where? what? questions being explored.) but just doesn't grip me.Justin D. Herdhttp://www.justindherd.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-67123516573268169792010-05-05T07:30:49.331-04:002010-05-05T07:30:49.331-04:00I like the concept, but I'm not sure if this s...I like the concept, but I'm not sure if this shouldn't be labeled as MG. It doesn't sound like YA.<br />I've also wondered if your first 250 words were a prologue, because I expected the novel to start with Brian.Susanne Winnackerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07931371784917865242noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-15535326981998528382010-05-04T17:48:47.240-04:002010-05-04T17:48:47.240-04:00I'm intrigued enough to keep reading. I'm ...I'm intrigued enough to keep reading. I'm glad to see your book is aimed at younger YA, and features a male MC. I'm not sure an agent would care that you're a teacher, but they will appreciate that you mentioned you're an amateur genealogist and can relate your expertise to the story.<br /><br />I hope you don't mind a few grammatical suggestions (I'd hate for an agent to reject your submission because of grammatical errors)- use WHO instead of THAT in the sentence "...identical twin brother that Brian..." because you're speaking of a person, not a thing. Strike the apostrophe after 1800s. <br /><br />Nicely done. I'm hooked.KaraLeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05037958842051839383noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-52449269326678240022010-05-04T15:46:11.700-04:002010-05-04T15:46:11.700-04:00I am intrigued by the premise. I think you could ...I am intrigued by the premise. I think you could do with a little less set up in the query and more information about what actually happens in the story. It also seems a little jumbled, time-wise.<br /><br />I wonder about the pages, as I assume they are a prologue. I'd have to read more and to see some of Brian's voice to make a call on that.<br /><br />Good luck!Larissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-35730798489761545212010-05-04T11:45:21.655-04:002010-05-04T11:45:21.655-04:00This sounds like a very interesting book. I though...This sounds like a very interesting book. I thought the query was strong and intriguing. The writing is also strong, but is this a prologue? I'm assuming it is, since the book is about Brian, right? Very nice, descriptive writing. Good luck!Michellehttp://www.michellelbrown.comnoreply@blogger.com