tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post6873132792163835683..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: #13-Twisted Summer (REVISED)J.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-55116350646598975062010-07-13T00:03:11.146-04:002010-07-13T00:03:11.146-04:00I liked the voice of the first 250 words but I don...I liked the voice of the first 250 words but I don't think you've identified your hook in the query. You've given a plot summary but not really said what it is that made you choose the title or what is the driving force in the narrative. I almost think it would be stronger if you focused on her depression and how it's affecting her relationship with her family and her life. I like the title... there has to be some connection that I'm not seeing.Wendy Sparrownoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-89640508522746137242010-07-11T15:50:08.591-04:002010-07-11T15:50:08.591-04:00What I love is that though the subject is serious ...What I love is that though the subject is serious the first pages make it clear that this isn't going to be a totally depressing story. <br />I think you could make the query work better if you cut the entire first paragraph. In the second paragraph can you clarify what her parent's views are? Do you mean they won't allow her to date? or something else? I think a transition between the second and third paragraph might help to smooth out the query. Something like, On top of that, Sydney was plagued . . .<br />I like the set up for the first pages but I agree with Pam. Get her to the car faster and work on making the dialogue a bit more natural. That said, you tell the reader in the first paragraph that she locks her car, so there is no need to repeat it in the dialogue.<br /> I hope this helps. This is a great topic for a YA story.<br /><br />Sorry if this post looks weird, I was having a hard time posting it.Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-45244089252769851682010-07-11T15:50:03.227-04:002010-07-11T15:50:03.227-04:00What I love is that though the subject is serious ...What I love is that though the subject is serious the first pages make it clear that this isn't going to be a totally depressing story. <br />I think you could make the query work better if you cut the entire first paragraph. In the second paragraph can you clarify what her parent's views are? Do you mean they won't allow her to date? or something else? I think a transition between the second and third paragraph might help to smooth out the query. Something like, On top of that, Sydney was plagued . . .<br />I like the set up for the first pages but I agree with Pam. Get her to the car faster and work on making the dialogue a bit more natural. That said, you tell the reader in the first paragraph that she locks her car, so there is no need to repeat it in the dialogue.<br /> I hope this helps. This is a great topic for a YA story.<br /><br />Sorry if this post looks weird, I was having a hard time posting it.Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-13228381504926531032010-07-08T12:53:01.710-04:002010-07-08T12:53:01.710-04:00First of all, I truly have to commend you for want...First of all, I truly have to commend you for wanting to write a story about teenage depression--this is a serious topic that does not get addressed much in YA literature. I think it's good for teenagers to read about characters with the same issues of them. However, the query did seem to jump from one topic to the next in each paragraph. It didn't seem to "flow." For example, it seems like we only need one paragraph to tell us that Sydney is applying to colleges, battling with depression, and not allowed to date. Then, the next paragraph could introduce the conflict--that she has a secret admirere and her best guy friend reveals he has feelings for her. Finally, your last paragraph could point out the word count and any previous credentials you may have. In other words, the query could get to the point a bit quicker.<br /><br />I noticed the same concern with the actual writing sample. It seemed too much time was spent making Sydney get to her car--we know something was going on already, yet there were too many hints. Also, the dialogue didn't feel natural enough. Wouldn't Sydney's friend already know about who has access to her car? It seems that Sydney's response was just repeating what was already implied in the first paragraph. Overall, I think this story has much potential--and I'm curious to read more about Sydney's journey. Good luck!Pam Harrishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09872183610393667619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-79608196592024443032010-07-08T09:48:28.328-04:002010-07-08T09:48:28.328-04:00Query - How did they twist her plans. You need to ...Query - How did they twist her plans. You need to be more specific.<br /><br />Each paragraph of your query seems to be about a totally different story. Your query should focus on your hook, main character's goals, the obstacles, and stakes. <br /><br />OPening: I like what you have going on in the opening. Maybe the first paragraph could use some tightening and stronger verbs?<br /><br />Best of luck!Laura Paulinghttp://www.laurapauling.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-56290624060731842352010-07-06T20:59:05.309-04:002010-07-06T20:59:05.309-04:00I'm a little confused as to what your book is ...I'm a little confused as to what your book is actually about. Is Sydney's problem the depression? If so, it should be more than a passing comment in the query. If the problem is getting flowers from a stranger, you need to tell us why.<br /><br />There are a lot of missing commas here too. I'm not sure I would continue reading just because I get frustrated if I have to re-read sentences because the punctuation doesn't make the meaning immediately apparent.Kate Larkindalehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06202347563426692610noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-60045676830783700442010-07-06T18:05:33.001-04:002010-07-06T18:05:33.001-04:00I agree with the above comments. I ws having a har...I agree with the above comments. I ws having a hard tome finding or seeing the Story problem. Does she have OCD? Does everything have to follow a certain schedule or she freaks out?Natalie Deckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09420337655010987555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-19267384459972564852010-07-06T16:06:06.134-04:002010-07-06T16:06:06.134-04:00The silent depression is an interesting and import...The silent depression is an interesting and important premise, and it's all too common in high school. This has the potential for a great story, but I'm having trouble connecting with it as presented in the query--probably because I can't identify the story problem. If Sydney is intent on controlling her life and environment to ward off her recurring depression, try leading with that so that the twists presented that summer help us understand the stakes up front. If there is real danger from the secret admirer, then you haven't made that clear enough. Also, identify who AJ is earlier.<br /><br />In your first 250, ground us about where we are more clearly. Also, I don't understand why everyone would be standing around her car, or who everyone is. It's all a little remote and vague. Try being more specific and giving it a little more energy by addressing basic questions like who she is, who she is walking with, and why others are gathered around her car. The standing around in silence action doesn't logically make sense either. It's a great visual, but I'm not sure I believe it. Wouldn't someone just say, "Hey, Sydney. What are the flowers for?" <br /><br />Also, the first line of hte last pragraph kind of stops me. It reads as if she gets flowers left in her car frequently, but she always knows who they're from.Martrinahttp://childrenspublishing.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.com