tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post6154806855996963978..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: #7-PERFECTION (REVISED)J.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-29217246468436356042010-07-12T14:36:04.182-04:002010-07-12T14:36:04.182-04:00Very cool premise!
Query:
Very intriguing - you g...Very cool premise!<br /><br />Query:<br />Very intriguing - you give just the right amount of information without causing confusion. Tight and to the point - I thought your query was overall, well written.<br /><br />I am missing a little bio about you, though. Any prior publications or affiliates that you've joined? Maybe not, since you didn't mention anything...but I think you need to have just a little something, about you.<br /><br />250 Submit:<br />Great visual, while bringing a sense of confusion and chaos. Full of varying emotions (that should undoubtedly not be there for the MC), you have done a solid job creating an atmosphere of suspense.<br /><br />I really enjoyed this submission and would love to read more!<br /><br />Good luck in the contest!Erin L. Schneiderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13724907482299321322noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-78119653495505104642010-07-09T19:57:44.299-04:002010-07-09T19:57:44.299-04:00I like the premise. Lots of potential.
I'm w...I like the premise. Lots of potential. <br /><br />I'm wondering if you jumped into the action too fast without us getting to know her first. I feel like I missed the part where she ran into the dark-haired prisoner. Maybe you should back up a little and establish your character?Laura Paulinghttp://www.laurapauling.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-25157107030637023012010-07-09T19:19:26.874-04:002010-07-09T19:19:26.874-04:00I think this sounds awesome. Seriously.
Query: M...I think this sounds awesome. Seriously.<br /><br />Query: My only complaint would be that I want more. You've enough space, I think, to elaborate a little further; give us even more information. Your premise is super interesting, as is your conflict. I was bug-eyed for the sample, though, just based on this query.<br /><br />Sample: Really good images. I could taste the scene. But I would tighten the informative paragraphs, and make them blend a little better with the action going on. I was too aware that you were supplying backstory. But I would definitely read on. Like I said, I think this sounds amazing.<br /><br />This one should certainly advance.<br /><br />Best of luck.Hanna C. Howardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03881224275689807056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-74072327082252929842010-07-06T15:23:57.374-04:002010-07-06T15:23:57.374-04:00This is an intriguing premise and you are startin...This is an intriguing premise and you are starting with an exciting scene. <br /><br />Query: You can probably delete the Aryan purity clause. The rest of the query suggests that clearly enough. The second sentence in the second paragraph is confusing. Either rephrase for clarity or provide additional detail to ground the reader. Psychic picking is another confusing concept. It sounds as though you are trying to say that Elyssa usually plucks thoughts from people's heads, but this person has projected them to her instead. This is intriguing, but I had to read that paragraph 3 times to get that, and I'm still not sure you have it right.<br /><br />Overall, the voice in the query is interesting. It has a lot of movement and it ends in that great hook about her creator having other plans. There are a number of grammatical errors though, and too many fragments without sufficient (IMO) justification for using a fragment. Smooth it out and it will be excellent.<br /><br />250: While the scene is potentially visual and intriguing, it feels a little remote. There's also a contradiction between the second paragraph and the third. You go from telling us she isn't going to stop, that she has to reach the train, to stopping behind a metal dumpster. If you are suggesting that she is stopping because of her heart slamming, you are placing the raction before the action. Reverse that and it will be clearer to the reader.<br /><br />I would read more.Martinahttp://childrenspublishing.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-18240500011822577552010-07-06T13:00:31.555-04:002010-07-06T13:00:31.555-04:00I already read this, and I think it is fabulous!
...I already read this, and I think it is fabulous! <br /><br />As for the query, great tightening up! I agree with Donna's third comment. other than that Good job and I would love to see this go on to the next round!<br /><br />Good luck!Natalie Deckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09420337655010987555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-88251243983590590262010-07-05T16:34:47.787-04:002010-07-05T16:34:47.787-04:00What an interesting twist using Hitler's Germa...What an interesting twist using Hitler's Germany in the future! <br /> Possible changes in the query:, 1) I wonder if you should hint at the place he implants in her mind. Is it the same place she's headed to? <br />2) In the 2nd paragraph, I wanted more to describe the "epitome of inferiority" (great phrase BTW). Maybe combine some of the details with in that first sentence. <br />3) Lastly, according to the prominence of "the creator", you may need a little more to build that character up.<br /> As for the excerpt, I felt that the first few paragraphs could have been condensed to quickly establish the chase scene and get to core of our heroine and her confusing emotions. Good action verbs throughout carried the plot along. I'd read more. <br /> Good luck.God Girl Gothhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08362990647539370745noreply@blogger.com