tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post551153579850547007..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: #1 UnveiledJ.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-51491039094512930272010-05-10T16:33:52.804-04:002010-05-10T16:33:52.804-04:00I really liked how you started this story. Reagan&...I really liked how you started this story. Reagan's voice really show and it has touches of humor here and there that makes it easy to read.<br /><br />The query is also pretty good but I do think a better hook could strengthen it. The second paragraph doesn't seem very detailed. <br /><br />And this doesn't have anything to do with this story but "I would love to work with someone who sounds just like you." could either be cut out or more details about that particular agent (books they've represents, interviews, etc) could be better.<br /><br />Overall, I think this sounds like a fun story and if I were an agent I'd ask for more :)Jenn Wiliamsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-78394463159200291702010-05-08T08:59:58.167-04:002010-05-08T08:59:58.167-04:00Everyone has given some really great feedback here...Everyone has given some really great feedback here and here's more. Whether it's great or not, I'll leave it up to you. :)<br /><br />If I were an agent:<br /><br />QuerY: Since it appears you're going with hook first, genre second, I'm not seeing much of a hook in your first paragraph.<br /><br />What is the biggest conflict of the story? Bring that out, use it. Is it that she's a liability? Same something about why she's a liability.<br />Also, I can't really tell what your plot is from this query. Can you go into a little more detail? For instance I'd like to see more on this plot she's uncovered. Or why she's a liability? I'd also like to see some more of your kick ass voice in this query. It's very distinct in your sample and I really want to see it here.<br /><br />Sample: Your MC is already showing a kick ass nature that is awesome and very much wanted in the post Twilight market and she's already pretty fleshed out. I get a good sense of her.<br /><br />But I'm not seeing a discernible hook in this either. Sure, I can see a HS student wanting french fries after class and it's definitely a good device for a scene, but it's not making me want to read more to see if she ever does get those french fries. I think that you may be starting in the wrong place.<br /><br />Also there's a lot of info. dump in this. It's a bit early for that. These words may be the only ones an agent will see, so you really have to make them sing! Give a hook in the beginning to draw them in and another toward the end of the sample to make them request more.<br /><br />That being said, I would probably request a partial to get a better feel for your voice and like Libby said, to see how long it takes you to get in to your story.<br /><br />AS A READER:<br /><br />This would interest me. I probably would have picked this off the shelf and kept reading. I agree with Jordan that this plot (from what I can tell of it) sounds very interesting and I'd like to see how this turns out.J.A. Soudershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-31838330270618682382010-05-06T00:11:38.704-04:002010-05-06T00:11:38.704-04:00Query: I agree with Libbie's note about the ve...Query: I agree with Libbie's note about the verb tenses and 'liability' confusion so I'll just comment that I'd like to see a really concise hook to start your query; something to summarize the book and grab the agent. And more specificity about why you chose X agent; your current statement makes this sound too much like a blanket query.<br /><br />Sample: I agree about the info dump going on here. <br /><br />Some of your details are terrific -- flow of humans, bright blue lockers, super-crispy fries -- but there's not enough of that. I'm missing specific sounds, smells, sights, textures. I feel like you're telling, rather than showing in this opening. (ex. I'd love to SEE how she's in tune with nature.)<br /><br />I suspect one more editing pass for the little details will pull this together.Monica Enderle Piercehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08906580310155422359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-39043941326749495532010-05-05T00:08:36.433-04:002010-05-05T00:08:36.433-04:00If I were an agent…
The query:
There is some con...If I were an agent…<br /><br />The query:<br /><br />There is some confusion in the tense and the sentence structure that makes me wonder whether this manuscript would be difficult to read through and edit. (“this summer” is out of place, and “a liability to her mother and as a warrior” is awkwardly worded.) Plus, the plot is not entirely clear. Why was she sent to the human world? Because she’s a liability? But she’s recalled because she’s a liability? Or was she sent so she could learn and teach about humans? If so, why does the revelation of the existence of Fae mean she has to come back to Court in a hurry to teach about humans? There is just something a little unclear and jumbled in the structure of the first paragraph, and that makes me wonder how clear the manuscript is. Alarm bells are going off in my head, that this could be a really hard book to read, and that it might be a tough job to get this one into shape for submission. It’s going to have to really wow me with the writing style to make me request more, but I will go on and read the sample pages. What I can make out of the plot sounds like a fun idea.<br /><br />The sample:<br /><br />Is this the opening of the book? Not a strong enough opening to hook me, I’m afraid. It feels too info-dumpy and I am not getting enough of a sense of the main character’s personality. I think this one has potential, but from the query and the first page it doesn’t feel quite ready to go. Personally, I would waffle between passing on this one and requesting a partial to see how long it takes to get into the story and for the voice to develop. I like the concept but from what little I've seen, the execution isn't quite right yet.Libbie H.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16366896974551157202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-90421336956570926012010-05-04T22:58:45.260-04:002010-05-04T22:58:45.260-04:00In the query, I'd remove the two references to...In the query, I'd remove the two references to the Fae having been "revealed," since to me, they added more confusion than interest. Also, I agree with L.T. that there are some syntax issues.<br /><br />In the 250 words, I like your voice a lot, but I get the impression that you've started the story too early. It doesn't seem as though anything exciting is about to happen.Gail Harthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00248412842872176518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-21823193320079936662010-05-04T14:31:16.230-04:002010-05-04T14:31:16.230-04:00I adore anything to do with fairies/ faeries. Espe...I adore anything to do with fairies/ faeries. Especially faeries. :)<br /><br />Your story sounds interesting, and your query has good voice, but I spotted some syntax errors that could be tightened, specifically the first sentence in the second para. Re-word to increase readability.<br /><br />Voice is strong in your first 250. I love the line about "for a human to get the drop on me." <br /><br />Just from a first impression, your MC seems haughty (which is no problem since I guess that's part of the point), and obviously I didn't get to read on, but I did hope there was a reason why she is best friends with a human when she thinks less of them. I may have missed the point but I always bring up whatever I was feeling when I was reading. <br /><br />Strong job, and thanks for making me want french fries. :)L. T. Hosthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12448176940211118898noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-64414059382900419002010-05-04T11:43:48.548-04:002010-05-04T11:43:48.548-04:00I really liked this. In my opinion the query was ...I really liked this. In my opinion the query was concise and intriguing. <br /><br />I also like the first 250 words. Especially the last paragraph.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07804306924674002487noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-70130541242510953612010-05-03T22:31:06.243-04:002010-05-03T22:31:06.243-04:00I seriously love this concept and I loved the sect...I seriously love this concept and I loved the section submitted. If I were an agent, I'd want to see more of this. In fact, I'm not an agent- but do you need a beta? =*) JESS hook me up here.Jordan Deenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03215115680997080250noreply@blogger.com