tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post3575132383435819583..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: Query Critique #1J.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-60523310121906095732010-06-30T11:43:16.725-04:002010-06-30T11:43:16.725-04:00I agree with all the suggestions, especially the o...I agree with all the suggestions, especially the one about cutting down on word count. My friend got rejected by harpercollins because her word count was a bit too high for a YA novel. I'm sure there's places that would need tightening.<br /> <br />I love the irony of how you named your story Perfection even though it's about a dystopian government. <br /><br />Good luck with your query. :)Ezmireldahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04217164955411191307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-90591077627813811582010-06-29T19:32:16.384-04:002010-06-29T19:32:16.384-04:00I just wanted to pop on and tell everyone thanks f...I just wanted to pop on and tell everyone thanks for the great suggestions. <br /><br />I've done some work on rewriting and it is a completely different query. I mean completely different.<br /><br />It helped so much to be asked Why? Why? What happens? And why? <br /><br />I'm still tweaking a bit and hopefully I'll be able to incorporate more suggestions as they are made.<br /><br />You all are bestest (Yes, I made the word up).<br /><br />Thanks again Jess for hosting such a wonderful, helpful site.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07804306924674002487noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-88674686377696913132010-06-29T12:34:16.777-04:002010-06-29T12:34:16.777-04:00I've beta read this story, and I think she sho...I've beta read this story, and I think she should try focusing on the plot of the rebel army and the center. <br /><br />Maybe come in from this stand point: <br /><br />Ellyssa was trained to hate these guys, and the dr. that created her plans on using her to exterminate the entire race. <br /><br />She runs away, and gets taken in by the rebel army, the same people she is supposed to destroy. <br /><br />(they hate her as much as she is supposed to hate them, but she has no where to go. no one to trust. )<br /><br />Hope this helps =)Natalie Deckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09420337655010987555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-74449619777695852762010-06-28T09:41:41.750-04:002010-06-28T09:41:41.750-04:00Jess, you did a great job with this one. I agree-...Jess, you did a great job with this one. I agree--I don't see much of the plot here. And I don't see what sets this one apart from the other dystopians out there. And I love a good dystopian. I want to want this one, but I don't see the hook.<br /><br />Will her running away cause the whole social structure to crumble? Is there a villain, and if so, how will her actions affect him/her?<br /><br />If you haven't written a synopsis for your project yet (this is to the query writer) you might try doing that first, and see what essential information needs to get into the query.<br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br />- LizLiz Czukashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15656897969180818333noreply@blogger.com