tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post2609833376054656971..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: #31 BITE ME, YOUR GRACE (REVISED)J.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-49948324953917434832010-05-20T18:39:42.352-04:002010-05-20T18:39:42.352-04:00Bravo! I noticed the improvement immediately. Two ...Bravo! I noticed the improvement immediately. Two nits:<br /><br />Your query is repetetive - each sentence/paragraph almost the same length/structure. Try breaking it up - longer sentences salted with shorter ones. Also, the third paragraph, is IMHO, redundant.<br /><br />The first two paragraphs pose an interesting dilemma rife with conflict; the third is vague. What each character wants/stands to lose is not clear, and the language passive. Consider revising, or better yet, highlight and delete. :)<br /><br />And I loved the 250, and the way you used the people's critiques to your advantage. Nice work!<br /><br />DeborahDeborah Smallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582655689614863667noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-48584807308588729622010-05-10T23:52:37.334-04:002010-05-10T23:52:37.334-04:00Ok, the query and sample hooked me so I would defi...Ok, the query and sample hooked me so I would definitely read more.<br /><br />At first I wasn't sure I liked the title because it implied a vampire wannabe and that made me groan, but what made it click for me was discovering the protaganists feisty character and her goal to get out of marriage. I could see her saying such to the vampire man attempting to woo her, and then I liked the title. However, I have been known to skip a book based on title alone. I'd have to have heard about this from somewhere else or read a review to look beyond the title.<br /><br />I definitely feel an air of Jane Austen maybe crossed with Scarlet O'Hara as previously mentioned.<br /><br />I also agree the query feels a bit long. Maybe just tighten up the sentences. I'd also move the first sentence to the bottom or cut it entirely. I wouldn't mention the online contest placement because that really means nothing unless you mention the contest name and it is well-known.<br /><br />Good work and good luck. I'd like to see this in the next round.Denisenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-49792928136282930402010-05-10T13:27:19.725-04:002010-05-10T13:27:19.725-04:00Unusual title and although there have been a lot o...Unusual title and although there have been a lot of vampire novels recently, this one sticks with the traditional ideas more than most of them and that is a good thing. Interesting characters. You want to know more about them. Makes you want to read on!Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01678088385490587810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-69949832231517236702010-05-08T18:07:13.226-04:002010-05-08T18:07:13.226-04:00I liked the query (well, until I got to the part a...I liked the query (well, until I got to the part about him leaving her over a novel - why not just burn the manuscript? Now that would be worth leaving someone over.)<br /><br />I liked excerpt, but you might want to consider the physics of the first paragraph where she lunges forward and lands on her behind. Physically impossible. Flat on her face is more likely.<br /><br />But to be honest, had I read the above on the backcover in the bookstore, I'd probably put the book back on the shelf - the stakes and emotional hook are not strong enough for me, but that is personal taste.Deborah Smallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582655689614863667noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-38637061052987611192010-05-08T01:21:25.562-04:002010-05-08T01:21:25.562-04:00Not a romance writer or reader, but this is a cute...Not a romance writer or reader, but this is a cute concept for which I'd be willing to suspend a little (ok, a lot) of disbelief and just enjoy.<br /><br />Your query isn't as brief as it could be, to me, and seems at least a distant cousin to a plot synopsis. What the book's about and what happens within it are not necessarily the same thing.<br /><br />Sounds to me like this is a lot about individualism, a little about feminism, and a lot more about good ol' Fate or Providence getting us what we really need - whether we want it or not.<br /><br />As at least one contest judge thought, I say this one stays in for the next round!Nathan Carrikerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07978268272492493378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-3655037419789857512010-05-06T17:59:23.248-04:002010-05-06T17:59:23.248-04:00Your title is killer. :-)
I was going to suggest ...Your title is killer. :-)<br /><br />I was going to suggest you take out the first sentence - "regency paranormal" at the bottom suggests the time frame. I'd start right in with the synopsis, personally. <br /><br />Some sentences could be tightened up, but the voice is great, the query has me hooked and I'd certainly want to read more. :-)Jamie D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/05486427517423813962noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-42692136428128528202010-05-06T10:43:21.340-04:002010-05-06T10:43:21.340-04:00Definitely something I'd be interested in read...Definitely something I'd be interested in reading!<br /><br />Agree with others' comments about paragraph three ... and I did notice a typo lurking in there ...but as queries go, this gets a two thumbs up!<br /><br />Love, love the sample scene!! It pops!<br /><br />Put BITE ME, YOUR GRACE through to the next round!!Juliettehttp://www.julietteterzieff.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-76551037631696815572010-05-06T00:11:01.959-04:002010-05-06T00:11:01.959-04:00If I were an agent…
The query:
I am just a humbl...If I were an agent…<br /><br />The query:<br /><br />I am just a humble reader, but I am sick as hell of vampire fiction. I imagine most agents are way, way sicker. That being said, you were very wise to make the first words of your query that awesome, awesome title. It is encouraging me to read on even though half of my brain is telling me to run screaming from yet another vampire novel. Moving on…<br /><br />One too many “tos” in your first sentence. I’d find a different way to word that. <br /><br />All in all, I find the query delineates a rather standard but still fun-sounding romance. You hooked me again with “Regency paranormal” – that sounds like way more fun. <br /><br />The sample:<br /><br />There is nothing that really makes the first 250 words stand out from other romance novels, but it IS only 250 words. Most sample pages are considerably longer than that. I imagine a larger sample would be interesting. I’d request a partial from this one.<br /><br />I’d send this one on to the next round.Libbie H.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16366896974551157202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-11878242493448328052010-05-05T23:26:55.189-04:002010-05-05T23:26:55.189-04:00I seriously love the name of your book. It's ...I seriously love the name of your book. It's perfect. The query is great too. Great job. I'd read as well.Jordan Deenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03215115680997080250noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-58935770062104987922010-05-04T23:27:36.057-04:002010-05-04T23:27:36.057-04:00Query:
I instantly like Angelica and want to hang...Query:<br /><br />I instantly like Angelica and want to hang out with her. The title is awesome. Their relationship reminds me of that volatile one Scarlett & Rhett had. <br /><br />Agree with a few others, maybe break up the 3rd paragraph, but try to keep everything in it. Maybe something like:<br /><br />"Sparks fly when the duke destroys Angelica’s plans by publicly proposing marriage to her in order to save his reputation and to keep her from revealing his secret. In retaliation, she attempts every impropriety to dissuade him, and he counters with his skills of seduction."<br /><br />Story:<br /><br />Oh man, I can feel her heartbreak from watching her favorite book burn. I can really identify with her. Good voice, you capture her and her mother well in just 250 words. I got to the end and really wanted more. I would definitely read this book. Great job.Rissa Watkinshttp://www.RissaWatkins.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-72068326353981629532010-05-04T13:20:47.643-04:002010-05-04T13:20:47.643-04:00This book sound like a lot of fun! Great voice, to...This book sound like a lot of fun! Great voice, too. 3 paragraph in query needs tweaking though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-70992175744254132812010-05-04T10:15:39.517-04:002010-05-04T10:15:39.517-04:00This is great. Loved the query and the writing. I&...This is great. Loved the query and the writing. I'm hooked.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-24776041255201581042010-05-04T09:47:21.824-04:002010-05-04T09:47:21.824-04:00Your query left me wanting more... just as it shou...Your query left me wanting more... just as it should. Great!<br /><br />I'd love to read this story!<br /><br />Melissa MurphyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-31110765780460604182010-05-04T04:58:01.486-04:002010-05-04T04:58:01.486-04:00I really like this. It sounds like something I'...I really like this. It sounds like something I'd want to read. The only qualm I had was that the third paragraph seems to be made up of one long sentence. I'm wondering if there's a way to break it up into two more powerful sentences.<br /><br />Other than that, good job!Dorothy Dreyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07359417869474783409noreply@blogger.com