tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post179964609148613036..comments2023-10-25T06:34:59.182-04:00Comments on Angels and Demons and Portals. Oh My!: #32 VITILIGOJ.A. Soudershttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17460557430817566294noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-44079330372969057632010-05-08T19:32:36.969-04:002010-05-08T19:32:36.969-04:00I love the premise. Found the query intriguing, an...I love the premise. Found the query intriguing, and enjoyed the excerpt. I agree with Libbie -again - (Libbie your analytical and critquing skills are fabulous) that you need to better explain the stakes - what 'danger' exists for James and Katey that make it worth my money and time as a reader to buy and read the book? The 'white black man seeking revenge' hook attracts my interest, but is not necessarily enough to sustain it. Still, were I an agent (I'm not) I'd request a synopsis and partial to see if the stakes were defined (and capable of carrying the story to a riveting conclusion).<br /><br />Good work.Deborah Smallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582655689614863667noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-22963134677685705372010-05-08T01:01:38.953-04:002010-05-08T01:01:38.953-04:00Overall, I love your concept, description, and exe...Overall, I love your concept, description, and execution of this story so far. My biggest issue with it is the length to which you seem to be reaching to induce pity for your protagonist. Of course it's awful what he went through, but your adjective count and poetic tone lend an intensely melodramatic feel, like he's fairly begging for comfort; NOT a good way to create a STRONG, sympathetic character.<br /><br />I don't know if it's occurred to you, or if there really is a town called "Balmer" in Alabama, but I'd strongly recommend choosing a name that doesn't have the word "balm" as its root for a story in which skin plays such a central role. It seems highly contrived.Nathan Carrikerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07978268272492493378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-30757522170526497192010-05-06T01:00:27.231-04:002010-05-06T01:00:27.231-04:00Query: Your premise is really intriguing and diffe...Query: Your premise is really intriguing and different, but I think the emphasis on James' need for revenge threatens to make him unlikable (which, I suspect, he is not). When I reached the paragraph that brings up Katey, I realized there's more to him and wondered if you're giving short shrift to the entire story in hitting so hard on revenge. <br /><br />Sample: You have a strong voice and an interesting character. However I was thrown by the shift in POV in the fourth paragraph. The other thing I feel is a need for a little more specific sensory detail. (ie. smells, sounds, description of McPherson's.) I can picture James, but not his surroundings so I'm not feeling pulled into the story.Monica Enderle Piercehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08906580310155422359noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-31950453813835227762010-05-06T01:00:17.570-04:002010-05-06T01:00:17.570-04:00If I were an agent…
The query:
You’ve got a wee ...If I were an agent…<br /><br />The query:<br /><br />You’ve got a wee grammar flaw in your first paragraph – it should be “enacting the plan toward which he has bent every decision.” Not a huge deal, but rewording it might remove some of the awkwardness in the first paragraph. “Take everything the sheriff knows” -- that is unclear and I’m really not sure what you’re hitting at there. I’d be forthright and just say exactly what your main character plans to do to the sheriff. <br /><br />Do not ever say “fiction novel.” Novels are by definition fictional. “Fiction novel” = uninformed writer. Yikes! :) You can call it a 77,000-word commercial novel, or a 77,000-word work of commercial fiction – whichever you like (note the hyphen). Or you can just call it a novel; that’s fine, too. Why did you capitalize plans?<br /><br />The query is mildly interesting to me. I think if you clear up the sheriff thing and state more clearly WHY Nathaniel’s presence endangers both him and Katey, it will be much more interesting to me.<br /><br />The sample:<br /><br />I really like the narrative voice. I’d request at least a partial, possibly a full.<br /><br />I’d pass this one onto the next round.Libbie H.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16366896974551157202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-71306837751719660202010-05-05T16:57:41.504-04:002010-05-05T16:57:41.504-04:00I want to read more! You're query is tight and...I want to read more! You're query is tight and the idea unique. You have a literary quality to your writing, yet it will appeal to a commercial audience as well. <br /><br />Good luck!EJ Fechendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05300369395930503020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-40664694217911108682010-05-04T12:06:15.349-04:002010-05-04T12:06:15.349-04:00Very intriguing. I was hooked by the first paragra...Very intriguing. I was hooked by the first paragraph of your query. I actually thought this would be a paranormal or supernatural story at first. I wonder, in what time period does this story take place?<br /><br />Did you mean to capitalize Plan at the end of your query?<br /><br />You could clean up the first 250 a bit- you mentioned two times that the town hasn't changed, and you used the word trembled/trembling twice. Could you change one of them to shivering/shuttering/etc just for some variety?<br /><br />Nicely done. Your premise is intriguing. I'd definitely keep reading.KaraLeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05037958842051839383noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-67888929002830350442010-05-04T10:11:55.044-04:002010-05-04T10:11:55.044-04:00I really love this. I think the query and story sn...I really love this. I think the query and story snippet are well written. I love how it gets straight into the story.<br /><br />One of my daughter’s friends had vitiligo and we all now Michael Jackson had it too. I agree, it’s a great concept for a story. I would definitely read on. I think it would make a great movie too. I’d love to know what happens.<br /><br />Just a tiny nit-pick though. Maybe change the first four words in paragraphs, two, three and four in the query. They all start with the same four words>>>> He plans to take.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216407428320615449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-41171121407396928562010-05-04T09:51:07.005-04:002010-05-04T09:51:07.005-04:00I liked the premise of this query. Michael Jackson...I liked the premise of this query. Michael Jackson made vitiligo famous, so a lot of people have heard of it. It is an interesting concept, "what if a slave had it and could 'pass' because of it?"<br /><br />My only criticism is the line, "I was expecting something else." I realized after a second that he meant that he had expected to feel something different, but coming after the paragraph describing the town and how nothing has changed, it seems to mean at first that he had expected something about the town to be different, not how he feels about it.<br /><br />Nice job!LJBWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107831093945470743.post-41477313981786985142010-05-04T09:33:02.300-04:002010-05-04T09:33:02.300-04:00I was hooked at with the first paragraph of your q...I was hooked at with the first paragraph of your query: Left a black boy...came back a white man.<br /><br />I have heard of the skin condition your character has, but did not know the proper name.<br /><br />I, like I'm sure many of us, can completely indentify with not fitting in, so your character has my empathy right away.<br /><br /><br />Good job!<br /><br />Melissa MurphyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com